Relationships: Do Some People’s Childhoods Set Them Up To Attract People Who Are Needy?

On one hand, there are the people who come across as needy and, on the other hand, there are those who attract these people. It could then be said that these people are going to have a radically different experience when to comes to this area of their life.

If one is used to being needy, they may find that it is a real challenge for them to get their need met on a regular basis. Yet if one doesn’t behave in this way, they could find that it is a real challenge for them to find someone who doesn’t come across as needy.

The First Experience

When one can relate to the former, it could be as if they are unable to handle life unless they are in a relationship. And even if they are in one, there could still be moments when they feel as though they are missing something.

Another way of looking at it would be to say that one has a container than needs to be filed but, no matter how much water is put into it, it doesn’t fill it up. So through being this way, they are naturally going to expect a lot from someone.

In The Beginning

If one was to meet someone, the other person might not be too concerned about how they behave. The other person could believe that this shows how much they like them, and this could make them feel wanted.

But as time passes, they could find that one’s behaviour is too much for them, and they could feel smothered. Through feeling this way, it can cause them to pull away from them.

The Same Outcome

This person could believe that this will allow them to get some space, and this is because one will realise that their behaviour is having a negative effect on them. Now, there is the chance that this will happen, and their relationship can then improve.

At the same time, one could end up coming on even stronger, and this will then cause this person to feel even worse. This will come down to the fact that one’s neediness will increase as they pull away.

One Option

The other person can then talk to them about how this is affecting them, and this might cause one to change their behaviour. This could then stop their relationship from coming to an end.

Alternatively, the other person can decide that they have had enough, and one will end up on their own again. Nevertheless, it might only be a matter of time before one finds someone else and ends up repeating the same scenario all over again.

The Ideal

When one is experiencing life in this way, it could be said that it will be vital for them to take a step back, and to reflect on their own behaviour. If they are able to do this, it will give them the chance to change their life.

They will be able to see that how their behaviour is causing them to push people away and that they expect too much from others. This could then be a time when they will need to reach out for external support.

The Second Experience

When one can relate to the latter, it could seem as though everyone on the planet is incredibly needy. The people they come into contact with could be more like their children, and this is going to make it hard for them to get their needs met.

Thus, if they were to open themselves up to someone, they could soon end up walking away. After they have had an experience like this, they could decide to turn their back on this area of their life.

One Focus

This could then be a time when they will end up focusing on their career, for instance, and this could be an area of their life that is going very well. So although they might feel as though they don’t have control when it comes to their intimate relationships, they are unlikely to feel the same way when it comes to their career.

But while this might be the case, it doesn’t mean that they will be able to turn their back on this area of their life forever. As soon as their need to connect to another person comes to the surface, they might soon look for someone else.


If someone like this was to describe themselves, they could say that they are extremely independent. This could mean that they try to do things by themselves and rarely ask for help.

It will then be important for them to come a across as strong and capable, and they might do everything they can to make sure they don’t come across as venerable. The people who know them could also perceive them in the same way.

What’s going on?

When one has the tendency to attract people who are extremely needy, it can show that they feel the same at a deeper level. But as they feel ashamed of their needs, it causes them to disconnect from them.

Therefore, the people they attract into their life are mirroring back what they are not willing to face within themselves. And not only can this relate to their adults needs; it can also relate to their unmet childhood needs.

Early Years

This may have been a time when they were treated as though there was something wrong with their needs. So instead of receiving the love and care that they need to develop, they might have had to take care of their caregivers needs instead.

This would then have caused them to disconnect from their needs and to act as though they were needless. If they were to get touch with this part of themselves, it could cause them to experience a lot of pain, and they would probably end up being overwhelmed with shame.


Having needs is then going to be seen as something that will cause them to be rejected and abandoned, and this is why they will feel the need to come across as though they are their own island. The pain they experienced during this time through not getting their needs met will have stayed within them.

Relationships: Can Someone Be Attracted To The Wrong People When They Feel Worthless?

It could be said that the ideal will be for one to take the time to get to know someone before they end up in a relationship with them. This will give them the chance to find out if they are right for each other.

And when they are in this position, it will also be a good idea for them to make sure they are not too needy. As if they have a strong need to be with someone, this could make it harder for them to see clearly.

A Distorted Outlook

What this comes down to is that when one feels needy, it is going to stop them from being able to operate as a whole human being. The emotional part of them will have taken over and this can mean that their thinking brain will be offline.

Therefore, through not allowing this part of them to take over, it will be a lot easier for them to end up with the right person. They will be able to think about what the other person is like and if they are a good match.

A Small Part

This doesn’t mean that how one feels won’t have an effect on how they see the other person. How they feel is still likely to play a part in how they see the other person, but this won’t be something that has the same impact.

For example, if one was caught up in their emotions, they could believe that another person will make them happy. Their life is then going to completely change through being in a relationship.

Out of Balance

Through having this outlook, one could believe that they are incomplete and, by being with someone else, this will change. The piece that they are missing is then going to be provided the other person.

So if one was to end up in a relationship, they could find that they feel good about their life in the beginning. But as time passes, one is likely to find that they will soon return to how they felt at the start.

Nowhere to Run

Now, this could be a time when one will realise that another person can’t change how they feel about themselves. One could end up taking a step back and looking into what they can do to experience life differently.

At the same time, they could believe that they simply need to find someone else. Once they find the right person to complete them, they won’t need to feel the same way ever again.

Round in Circles

Someone is not going to need to be psychic to see that this person is going to experience a lot of pain in their life. No matter what happens, they will continue to look for someone else to take their pain away.

Yet when one is not needy, they are not going to need anyone to complete them. They might simply have the need to share their life with someone, and this is going to show that they don’t feel incomplete.


In addition to this, it will be vital for one to make sure that they value themselves; as if they don’t, it might not matter if they are not needy. For example, just because one doesn’t come across as needy, it doesn’t mean that this is actually the case.

At a deeper level, they can feel extremely needy but, when it comes to their day-to-day life, this part of them can be covered up. There could then be moments in their life when they feel the need to be with another person.

The Opposite

However, as they generally keep their needs at bay, they are likely to attract people who are extremely needy. The people they are drawn to are then going to be a reflection of what is taking place within them.

Even so, if one is out of touch with this part of themselves, they could find it hard to understand why they always attract these kinds of people. And as they ignore their own needs, it can show that they feel ashamed of them and that they don’t value themselves.

A Lack of Discernment

When one doesn’t value themselves, they can end up being drawn to whoever acts interested in them. One can then be used to ending up with people who treat them badly, but this is going to be what feels comfortable.

This is not to say that these people will always treat them in this way at the beginning; it could typically take a while for their behaviour to change. If one is not aware of how what is taking place within them is having an effect on who they attract, they could feel like a victim.

An Observer

As far as they are concerned, these people are just going to appear in their life, and there is not going to be anything that they can do about it. This could then cause one to believe that all men/women are the same.

Fortunately, this is a not a random process and, once one begins to value themselves, they will start to attract people who are different. There will then be no reason for one to believe that they have no control over this area of their life.

A Closer Look

What took place during their younger years may have played a part in how they feel about themselves. This could have been a time when they didn’t receive the love and care that they needed.

Relationships: Do Some People Only Feel Valuable When They Are Focusing On Other People’s Needs?

It could be said that having needs is part of being human, and this means that everyone has them. However, even though this is the case, it doesn’t mean that everyone feels comfortable with their needs.

A Difference Experience

When someone does feel comfortable with their needs, it will give them the chance to fulfil them. This is not to say that this will always take place, but at the same time, they won’t be used to not having them met.

There are going to be times when they will need other people to meet their needs, and times when they will need to meet them themselves. And through paying attention to their needs and getting them met when they can, their life is going to be far more fulfilling than it would be if this didn’t take place.

For Example

When it comes to what these needs are, there will be what they need to survive and what they need to thrive. What they need when it comes to their survival is going to be the first stage and, once this has taken place, they will be able to focus on the rest of their needs.

So through having somewhere to live, food on the table and money to buy what they need, there will be their need to connect others and to fulfil their purpose, among other things. At the same time, it would be inaccurate to say that it will always go in this order, as one might not have somewhere to live but they could still focus on their purpose

One Part

When it comes to a need that one will have to meet, it can come down to what they will need to do fulfil their purpose or during the moments when they feel down, for instance. When it comes to the former, one will need to look into what they need to do and then to take action.

But when it comes to the latter, the part of them that feels down can end up being soothed by another part of them. The first part can be their inner child and the second part can be their adult self.

Emotional Regulation

If one was a child, there would be someone there to calm them down when they don’t feel emotionally stable. But now that one is an adult, there are going to be moments when they are by themselves.

Or even if they were with someone else, it doesn’t mean that the other person would be able to help them with what is taking place within them. So, during these times, it will be down to them to settle themselves down.

Another Part

Yet, even though one will need to take action when it comes to their own purpose, there will come a time when they will need others. This could take place indirectly by reading a book, or directly by needing someone to employ them, for instance.

When it comes to their need to connect to others, this is clearly not going to be something they can fulfil. There will be the validation that these people provide, and they will meet their physical needs.


Ultimately, one is an interdependent human being, and there is only is much they can do by themselves. One would be deluding themselves if they believed that they were inherently independent.

But while someone can be in touch with their needs and do what they can to meet them, there are others who will act as though they don’t have them. Their life is then going to be all about what they can do to fulfil other people’s needs.

Another Scenario

As a result of this, there is a strong chance that their needs are rarely, if ever, met. Nevertheless, if one is completely consumed by what other people need, this is not going to bother them.

If they were to face up to what is taking place and to embrace how they feel, they could end up feeling depressed. But this is unlikely to last for very long, and this is because they will soon go back to what they were doing.

An Analogy

When one behaves in this way, they are naturally going to neglect their own life. This is going to be similar to someone being on a plane and, instead of putting their mask on first during an emergency; they will try to put it on someone else first.

If this was to happen, one would probably pass on before they are able to help another person. But when one ignores their own needs, it probably won’t cause them to lose their life; what it will do is cause them to suffer.

The Benefit

This is not to say that it will be all bad though; if it was, there would be no reason for one to behave in this way. One can find that this allows them to receive approval for others and to feel good about themselves.

Their identity is going to be based around being there for others, and this will cause them to feel valuable. If their behaviour was to change, and they were to be there for themselves and others, they could end up feeling as though they are doing something wrong.

A Human Doing

What this is likely to show is that one believes their value is based on what they do, as opposed to who they are. Their needs are then going to be something to be ashamed of, and it is then to be expected that they will neglect themselves.

This can show that their early years were a time when their needs were rarely met, and one would have had to fulfil their caregiver’s needs instead. The approval they got from these people would have been conditional.